i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
