you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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