she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
