kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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