I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
