So drunk its hurt
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
