just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
