so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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