What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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