STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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