I looked at my own cervix.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You dont lie about slip and slides
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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