So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
