Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
