Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
