He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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