So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
