im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
