So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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