bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
he was CRYING into my vagina
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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