i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Randomize
