True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
