Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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