I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
