guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
