Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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