Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
i drank out of a bidet.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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