Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
