You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
