Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
My vagina is officially offended.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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