I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
