I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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