You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
