You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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