Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
and she was petting her beer can
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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