you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
