Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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