I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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