It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
