The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
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