I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
