i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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