OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
