he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Houston, we have a blender
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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