Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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