remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
