I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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