god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
