we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
FUCK WHALES
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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