U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
