I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
