Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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